Smerthquake

I have gotten a lot of e-mails recently about the supposed "earthquake" that recently "rocked" "Japan." Well let me tell you, fine caring peoples, that I am just fine and dandy. Seeing that the earthquake's epicenter was all the way up in Northern Japan (AKA Japanada) I felt not so much as a tremble. Actually, that's a lie. Let me paint an incredibly accurate picture of what really occured. It all started when I was walking out of I-house....

The first thing I noticed was the deadly silence. No crickets were a-chirping nor sparrows a-warbling nor mantises a-manting. The animals, sensing the impending danger, had turned tail and fled their surroundings long ago. All I could hear was the sound of my own stomach rumbling thunderously. I soon realized that it was not in fact my stomach, but the very earth itself. The earth was rumbling like my stomach! I, deducing the situation with vole-like speed, scampered to the top of a telephone pole in order to survey the intensity of the earthquake I was currently experiencing. After brushing the dirt and splinters of wood off my clothes from the fallen pole I realized the earthquake had gotten pretty bad, and decided to seek shelter. I ran while the earth tossed and heaved beneath me. I leapt lightly from crest to valley of tumbling earth while inappropriately humming "Surfin' Safari." As I ran I saw Japanese women, children, and teenagers staring nonplussedly at their cellphones. Oh the humanity!
I finally found shelter under a building that looked incredibly like a set of enormous metal legs. And if you think I'm going to say that I found myself under none other then Mecha Godzilla himself, you would be horribly wrong. And shame on you all for thinking me so unimaginative as to put a reference to Godzilla in my story! Anyway, I was under the REMAINS of Mecha Godzilla, while Mothra thrashed her wings menacingly overhead. Sensing my impending doom from both above and below I decided to call my giant robot friend from the depth of the earths and gave Mothra the thrashing of a life time. Here is a local artist's depiction of our epic battle.

Mothra's hat was indeed formidable, but my robot's variation of popular 1950s era dance "The Monkey" proved to be far more devastating than it looked. After Mothra was defeated the earthquake sputtered to a halt. I sat, looking through the way-cool sunglasses of my giant robot, surveying the rubble that was once Nagoya. Then I found ten bucks, which was sweet.

So that basically sums up the earthquake in no way shape or form. I hope you found it both educational and intriguing, and you'll probably be hearing back from me soon.